


ephemeral

by EdgarAllenPie1205



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, M/M, No Smut, Okay Ending, One of My Favorites, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Soulmates, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?, Work In Progress, also, changlix, except for mom, felix's mom is straight lmao, i needed to contribute, i really like the thought of knowing that someone out there is destined to love you, i want this to be a soulmate fanfic, kind of, longest tag in history lmao, there isn't enough changlix here, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-04-04 03:24:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14011116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdgarAllenPie1205/pseuds/EdgarAllenPie1205
Summary: mellifluous (adj.)~a sound that is sweet and smooth, pleasing to hear.sonorous (adj.)~an imposingly deep and full sound.limerence (n)~the state of being infatuated with another person.ephemeral (adj.)~lasting for a very short time.(trigger warning) (please read all tags)the fluffy/angsty changlix fanfic that nobody asked for.





	1. sometimes

_changbin_

mouths were moving, words were leaving them. although changbin wasn't quite sure he was capable of comprehending. The lips and tongues formed letters and those letters formed words, but it made no sense. 

then someone was calling his name, that much he'd figured out. yet, he couldn't seem to put a name to a face; grey hair, full lips.

"changbin," it was like rising above pool water. that moment when the murky, bubbly sound is quickly replaced with a thousand voices. 

_it's chan, he realized._

"ah, yes?" his senses returned as he turned to his australian friend. 

"where were you?" chan's smile was small, with a hint of concern that wouldn't have been noticeable if it were anyone but the younger. 

"what do you mean?" he chuckled, but there wasn't enough emotion for it be believable. " i've been right here the whole time."

chan smiled dropped, not bothering to hide his emotions. "you know exactly what i mean, changbin."

"i'm sorry. i don't know what's wrong with me." chan looked down at his shoes. 

"in that case, i can't help you" the voice changed, and suddenly changbin was face-to-face with himself. he backed up, fear coursing through his veins at the cold look his clone was giving him. the brunette whimpered when his back collided with a wall. 

"you're pathetic."

"a coward."

"you can't even speak to a person without making a fool of yourself."

"no wonder you've lost all your friends."

"if i were them, i would leave you too."

changbin shut my eyes tight, shaking his head back and forth rapidly. 

_that's not true, it's not-_

"that's what you do. you let people into our life, fuck things up and we end up alone.  _it's just the same old cycle."_

_"why don't you just die?"_

_"would anyone care if you were wiped off the face of this planet?"_

_"would anyone give two fucks if we ended it all, **right now**?"_

he was unaware of the tears that flowed down his cheeks. changbin was unaware of the burning in his lungs, reminding him that he was forgetting how to breathe. or maybe it was because of the hands that held a tight grip around his neck. 

he looked back up at the copy of himself, realizing it was them choking him. 

"i'm not real, changbin. if you died right now, i wouldn't give two fucks." they grinned sinisterly, tightening their grip on his neck. he struggled, scratching the hands savagely, kicking as hard as he could.

just when he was sure he was going to pass out, they let him go.

"i won't kill you... and you're too much of a coward to kill yourself. so i think i'll take my time and enjoy watching you _suffer_." 

changbin's eyes closed in exhaustion before he gasped loudly, coming back to reality. he jerked upwards in his bed, cold sweat dripping from his forehead. panting, he looked over at the faint light that shone through his dorm window. slowly, the events of his dream rushed back to him. 

burying his head in his hands, he sobbed softly, the tears returning in a steady flow.

he glanced at the knife that sat on his bed stand. 

_they were right, i'm too cowardly to kill himself. but anything that comes close is addicting._

he reached for it slowly, changbin's better judgment had flown out the window. raising it to the skin beneath his wrist, he sighed shakily as the pain seared through his arm. it seemed strange, as a sort of calm washed over him soon after. he quickly reached for his t-shirt, using it to collect the blood that spilled from the wound. 

after getting out of bed, he scurried to the bathroom, running cold water over the gash in his arm. after fetching the gauze from the small closet and wrapping his arm, he washed his face, ridding himself of past tears.

TT_TT

changbin trudged through campus, his eyes never leaving the ground. he flinched when a hand was placed on his shoulder. he followed the hand to see chan's face, confusion written across it.

"changbin? are you okay?" chan's voice was like music to the younger's ears. he was so emotional that morning, unable to control the liquid that threatened to spill onto his face. 

"are you crying?" chan's eyes widened in shock. he had come to check on his friend, who was suddenly tearing up, and changbin didn't expect the elder to know why.

or maybe he already knew. but deep inside changbin knew it was just his wishful thinking.

he didn't answer, leaning into chan's touch. chan seemed confused, and the brunette could feel him watching as he clung to him desperately and cried into his shoulder. 

"promise you'll never leave me." changbin's voice had never been quieter, he had never felt more broken. 

"never," was all that chan could say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was a lil sad writing this, idk if i'm good at angst but i'm trying it out


	2. you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> felix meets changbin... kind of

_felix-_

felix stared out the car window, his eyes lazily following each tree that passed them by. 

"felix," his mother called. he glanced away from the dull greens and met his mother's eyes in the rearview mirror for a split second.

"are you ok?" she asked, her eyes seemed worried, even though they stared ahead at the road. felix's mom knew how he felt about leaving australia to move back to her homeland. he had to leave all his friends behind, try his hardest to make new ones. the thought of going to a new college all alone made him sick with nervousness. but he would try his best to adjust so that his mother could be happy.

 he didn't want her to worry about him.

"i'm fine, mom" he faked a smile, and his mom looked hesitant before turning back to the road once again. 

"i know it'll be hard sweetheart, but you know it's for the best." she sighed and he tried to make my smile brighter. 

"i know mom, everything's gonna be fine. you don't have to worry about me." he grinned, but it fell as soon as she turned away again. a stinging sensation was felt on his wrist and his eyes widened in horror as a deep scarlet spread out from his sleeve. tears prickled his eyes as he felt the pain grow into something that seared his wrist.

the bleeding almost immediately paused, only an occasional stream of blood rising to the surface before soaking back into felix's sleeve. the pain had subsided to a throbbing in his arm. 

what the fuck was happening to him?

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

they arrived at the university around dawn. it wasn't the most prestigious college, but it was close to their new house and somewhat affordable. felix looked up at the big building with wide eyes.

"will you be okay?" his mother asked him through the car window. he looked back at her, his luggage in his hands as he nodded.

"i told you, i'll be fine," he laughed and perhaps that lightened her mood. "okay," she smiled. "i'll see you on saturday." she said quietly, and i leaned down to kiss her cheek. 

"love you, mom," he say as she drove away, her hand waving out the window. 

felix sighed, looking back up at the tall, wide building before making his way towards the entrance.

it must've been the nerves that got his attention because he didn't realize he was walking subconsciously until he'd bumped into someone. 

"woah, you ok there bud?" the silver-haired man immediately spoke english, and felix recognized his accent as his own.

he smiled slightly and responded, "sorry just a bit nervous and distracted."

"ah, are you from australia?" chan smiled in excitement.

"haha, yeah i am." they continued to converse in english.

he found out that the boy's name was chan, that he was a second-year, and that he also moved to south korea from austrailia. the boy offered to show him to the office where he could turn in his housing application.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"do you have any idea about who your roommate might be?" chan asked and felix quickly shook his head.

"i can't remember, i have a horrible memory." felix chuckled, "seo something, i think." he smiled sheepishly down at his ice coffee. after chan had taken him to the office, chan offered to take felix to a coffee shop that wasn't far off campus grounds. 

"changbin?" chan questioned, his eyes wide. 

"ha, yes. i think that's it. do you know him by any chance?" felix asked in curiosity.

"he's my best friend actually," chan smiled, which was quickly replaced by a frown at the thought of the morning's events.

chan seemed to space out, only for a little until felix called his name. 

"chan?" the grey-haired male looked up expectantly. "are you okay?"

"i-i'm fine, sorry about that. i've just been a little... i don't really know. sad, confused, worried perhaps?" chan couldn't explain in detail.

"i'm sorry, i know it's none of my business, so i can't expect you to tell me. especially since we just met but, i hope that problem gets better." felix smiled wholeheartedly and chan's heart swelled just a little bit. 

_how could someone he just met be so kind?_

little did he know, felix was wondering the same thing about him.

*＊✿❀+❀✿＊*

chan had a class to attend, and felix's classes didn't officially start until tomorrow. because of this, he parted ways with the elder and made his way to his dorm for the first time. 

_seo changbin,_

the name caused a tingly feeling in his stomach. it was almost familiar, yet he was entirely sure he'd never heard the name in his life.

he knocked cautiously, unsure of the kind of person he was going to meet when he walked through the door. but he figured, if changbin was a friend of chan's, he couldn't be so bad.

the door peaked open, and scared, cautious eyes met his. 

"my name is felix." the blonde scratched his head nervously when the boy only continued to stare. "i'm your new roommate?"

the boy's lips parted slightly before he slowly widened the gap between himself and felix, pulling the door open. the younger smiled and walked in, slowly setting his duffel bag on the carpeted floor before looking around in curiosity. 

he heard the door shut behind him and watched in confusion as the boy named changbin walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. 

"guess he doesn't want to show me around. at least set some ground rules?" felix muttered softly, as he walked over to the empty bed on the opposite side of the room.  it seems he had forgotten a few things. 

_like a mattress, or a blanket._

he mentally cursed himself for completely forgetting such essential things. he and his mother had traveled with small things like clothes and brushes. she had enough money to buy new furniture for the house and sold all the old stuff back in australia. it seems like sleeping essentials had completely slipped both their minds.

he looked back at the bathroom door, still pondering the boy's actions. changbin had been completely silent, no sounds of water or speaking. 

he realized that he had been in the same dorm as the boy for at least 10 minutes, and he hasn't even heard his voice yet.

_strange._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited cuz ya gurl is lazy heh...


	3. feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> friend fight coming oooohohoho~ (don't hate me ok)

_changbin-_

chanbin let out a shaky sigh, closing the bathroom door behind him. his hands fumbled for the phone that was in his hoodie's pocket. he scrolled through his contacts in a panicked manner.

tapping the name  _chan_ , he put the phone to his ear and waited for him to answer. 

"hello?" his accent calmed changbin almost immediately. 

"chan." he sighed, relieved that the elder answered his phone. 

"changbin, are you alright?" chan's voice was mellifluous, and a small smile grew on his face.

"i need to talk." he admitted and shuffling was heard before chan went silent. 

"about-"

"no. we aren't talking about that. we won't ever talk about that."

"o-ok, i understand. i won't pressure you. and, why are you whispering?"   
  
"there's someone in my dorm." changbin hissed, and there was no reply.

"hello?"

"congrats!" chan voice boomed through the speaker causing him, to flinch. a loud shatter was heard as the glass soap dispenser in the bathroom fell to the ground. it was see-through and had visible blue sparkles and sticker sea animals. it was a gift from an old friend that changbin got separated from in high school. 

_socially anxious people are the best people~_

changbin would admit, he didn't see how being anxious twenty-four seven made him any better than a normal human being. he always scoffed when looking at the quote that was carved into the glass.

"changbin?" chan's voice was startled and concerned.

"i'm alright, some glass just fell." he leaned down to attempt cleaning up the mess of hand soap and sparkly, blue glass when chan yelled through the phone. 

"i'm coming over, don't you dare touch shit!" changbin rolled his eyes when hearing the elder fumble with his jacket. 

"chan, calm down. i'm not gonna-" he picked up a piece a little too carelessly and hissed when it sliced his skin. it stung like a papercut, and changbin pouted at the annoying pain.

"you've already hurt yourself haven't you?" changbin paused, "it's just a small cut."

a sigh was heard, "and if you keep trying to clean it up, there will be more than one small cut."

the brunette hung his head and mentally facepalmed, "i swear, you act like my mother."

"if i didn't, who would." chan replied softly before shooting a quick bye as the call ended abruptly. 

_he was right._

»»————- ♔ ————-««

changbin didn't leave the bathroom until he heard a knock on the front door. he slowly opened it, a bit surprised when his new roommate was nowhere to be found. 

he opened the door for his friend, who burst in the room equipped with thick black gloves that reached his elbows. 

"chan, it's not that serious." changbin sighs, watching as the silver-haired man doesn't speak another word as he heads for the bathroom.

 he slowly walked to the bathroom watching chan pick up the glass with his heavy gloves and then cleaning the soap off the ground. he stands up, holding out the shattered pieces.

"wasn't this a gift from jeongin?" chan asks, his eyes dulling slightly. chan could see the hurt that flashed in changbin's eyes at the mention of his former friend.

"yes," changbin muttered quietly before walking away with his arms crossed. 

the younger fell down in his bed, the springs causing him to bounce before he finally settled.

"binnie..." chan trailed off, seeing the state changbin was in. he knew the boy, well enough to know that he was too good at hiding his emotions. but sometimes he broke, and he couldn't hide them anymore. 

chan would always be there for him.

changbin's face was a blank slate, one leg crossed over the other as he stared at the ceiling. acting as if all the problems he'd ever had never even affected him, but chan knew better.

there were no words spoken, there was nothing to fill the silence between them. then, chan slowly climbed upon the brunette's bed and embraced him tightly. 

changbin's eyes grew wide before he quickly composed himself. 

there was nothing romantic between them and changbin knew the elder was merely embracing his inner koala. so he relaxed, ever so slightly leaning into chan's touch.

"have you met felix?" chan asks softly, and he can feel changbin nod. 

"was he the person you called about?" changbin nodded once again. 

"he's extremely nice, you should warm up to him at some point."

"you know it's hard for me to-" the younger paused. "interact, with people i don't know well." 

"i can introduce you if you want." chan offered, but changbin only chuckled bitterly and shook his head. 

"so you can  _force_ me into an awkward interaction? no thank you, i'm fine."

"changbin," chan started before letting out a sigh. "you're going to be living with this man for the rest of your college year, at least try to talk to him, or get to know him."

changbin didn't reply. "did you even say hello when he knocked on your door?"

changbin, once again, did not reply. this caused the elder to shake with laughter.

"binnie... you're so mean." chan laughed and changbin nearly flushed of embarrassment. 

there was a lack of conversation for a few seconds, and chan's mind started to wonder.

"about, this morning." he felt changbin shift in his arms and the younger escaped his hug completely.

"chan, i  said i don't want to talk about it."

"i know, i know but maybe talking about it is best. whatever it is that's affecting you, i want to help. and if i can't make anything better, at least let me be there for you-"

"chan," changbin's voice shook. "you've always been there for me. but i  _don't_ want to talk about this, you said you wouldn't force me."

chan rose from the bed, placing his hands on his friend's shoulder and squeezing, his eyes laced with concern.

"binnie, please," chan begged one last time before changbin brushed them off his shoulders, running his hand through his hair.

"i'm going out." the younger headed for his closet, pulling out a warm jacket that would protect him from the chilly weather. 

"what?"

"i think, i just need some air." changbin breathed out shakily, trying not to cry. he truly didn't know why he was acting that way, but he couldn't handle the conversation topic anymore. he couldn't control the tears that threatened to jump over the edge of his lower eyelashes. just the thought of the morning's events brought dark feelings he felt better bottling up instead of speaking of. 

he wanted to forget, but chan wasn't letting him. he does best in life when he ignores all the emotions that eat him up inside. it was his way of survival, his way of getting through each day.

"fucking liar. you hate going outside." chan sneered and the brunette recoiled at his tone, freezing before continuing to zip up the jacket. 

"changbin, i'm sorry-"

"bye," were his last words as he left the dorm room without another word.

 _what the fuck was he doing?_    

 


	4. like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> changlix (real) interaction yayyyyyyy

_felix-_

felix continued to stare at the bedpost that was incomplete without a bed. he only had one hundred dollars in his wallet and he wasn't willing to waste it on a decent mattress. yet he also didn't want to buy one off of craigslist, that once may have been infested with bedbugs.

he decided to just borrow extra money from his mother the next day.

he flinched slightly, hearing the loud noise of glass shattering through the bathroom door. acting on instinct, he rushed to the door only to find it locked. 

there was slight murmuring that felix could catch onto if he put his door to the ear.

_"i'm alright, some glass just fell."_

_pause._

_"chan, calm down. i'm not gonna-"  
_

_chan? he must be talking to the silver-haired man from earlier._

a quiet hiss was heard before felix felt a slight pain on his fingertip. he looked down with his eyebrows furrowed to find a tiny, bleeding cut. 

felix hummed with a frown sticking his finger in his mouth to postpone the bleeding. 

_"it's just a small cut."_

felix furrowed his eyebrows in shock before shaking his head in denial.

_soulmates don't exist anymore, the world found a way out of it. we annihilated the connection between soulmates since 2010. and even if the procedure didn't work for some, it must've worked for felix._

_right?_

_  
and if it didn't work, the doctors would've told his mom, who would've told him._

_right?_

_the time in the car, when he felt the slice against his wrist. he knew it wasn't a coincidence, but he didn't know what else to think. it was like his mind had blocked out the fact that it had ever happened._

he shook his head as if he could shake away his thoughts before heading for the door. 

he needed to buy sleeping supplies anyway.

 »»————- ♔ ————-««

felix arrived around 9 pm, he had bought his mattress, along with bedsheets and blankets. even a few stuffed animals to add to his gigantic collection.

but he had only forgotten one thing.

there was no way he could carry all that stuff back up to the dorm room. if he and changbin had at least become acquaintances, maybe the mysterious boy would've helped him.

but he felt like it was too late to call his mother, and he was sure that chan—the only person he knew on campus— was probably busy at a time like that.

he ended up buying a sleeping bag, figuring he may use it again in case he went camping. though he was pretty sure he would never go camping.

he had his mother pick up the mattress, knowing she'd help bring it up to his dorm the next day.

the blonde wrapped the sleeping bag around his arm, a pillow rested beneath his other arm.

felix knocked on the door, waiting for his roommate to open the door. after waiting a while, there was no reply. 

"ch-changbin? it's me, your new roommate." felix yelled unsurely, scratching the back of his neck.

that was when he realized he didn't have the essential thing to living in a dorm.

_a key._

changbin had never given him the other key, which meant he was locked outside until the boy got back.

felix guessed he would be camping before he'd originally expected. he laid his sleeping bag on the ground and sat on top of it, pulling out his phone for entertainment. 

felix sat there for a good half an hour, the time in his phone read three past ten. felix's eyes were droopy, and he felt sleep come over him in slow waves. 

"f-felix?" a small, deep voice spoke, and felix's eyes shot open. he was face-to-face with his roommate. the elder jerked backward, covering his face with his hand in embarrassment.

"i'm s-sorry," changbin tried to cover the reddening of his cheeks.

"for forgetting about your roommate, or trying to kiss me in my sleep?" felix spoke drowsily, unaware of the things he was saying. it seemed his lack of sleep brought about an air of confidence that was visible in his smirk. 

he would never admit it out loud, but felix thought changbin was cute. 

and felix's messy, blonde hair was the reason for the rosiness in changbin's cheeks.

"i wasn't trying to-"

"that's what they all say," felix smiled, standing up to tower over changbin. changbin would be lying if he said that wasn't the sexiest thing he'd ever seen.

"j-just get inside." changbin turned away, feeling small whenever he looked up at felix. he put the keys in the door, pushing it open and walking to the bathroom. once again, closing the door without another word.

felix would be lying if he said changbin wasn't the cutest human being he'd ever met.

"changbin, chan told me about you. though he never mentioned your habit of locking yourself in the bathroom when i'm around." felix chuckled to himself, picking his sleeping bag off the ground of the dormitory halls.

he carried it inside when after a minute, changbin replied. "i do this for every stranger, don't think you're special." changbin's voice was barely audible, but feix heard nonetheless and laughed heartily. 

"i didn't think for a second that i was." he replied, walking towards the bathroom. he opened the door to find changbin sitting on the toilet lid, texting furiously with a tint to his cheeks.

felix looked down at the doorknob in his hand, before looking back up to meet changbin's eyes.

"you didn't lock the door this time."

"what if i had been shitting?"

"then you would've locked the door," the grin on felix's lips was barely visible as changbin rushed forward to push him out and close the door in his face. 

_this time, he locked the door._

"changbin, i don't know a lot about you. but if we're going to be roommates, can we at least try to be friends?" felix yawned, running a hand through his frizzy locks as he headed towards his sleeping bag. the wood on the bedpost would be too uncomfortable, so the blonde set his sleeping bag on the ground. he then crawled in tiredly, zipping himself up.

"we can try tomorrow," was all he heard before sleep took over his senses.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments make me happy, but i haven't been getting any v.v


	5. you're

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a lil bit of changbin's past and his relation to jeongin ;) you will either hate me... or you will not care because i'm bad at writing angst...

_changbin-_

changbin did exactly what he told himself he wouldn't do. 

he texted chan.

 _binnie:_ _i'm sorry_

_bangchan: ?_

_binnie: about earlier, and this morning_

_bangchan: changbin, i should be the one apologizing_

_binnie: no, i overreacted_

_you didn't deserve that_

_bangchan: i shouldn't have spoken to you like that_

_and i shouldn't have pressured you into talking about  
something you didn't wanna talk abt_

_i was trying to be a good friend, and i pushed it_

_i'm sry_

_binnie: why r u so sorry?_

_it's my fault, i'm so difficult_

_idk how you can stand me_

_bangchan: stop apologizing_

_why r u always sry?_

_not everything is your fault, binnie_

_binnie: i'm sorry..._

_bangchan: here you go again XD_

_we should meet up today_

_talk and_ _maybe..._

_you could bring felix along?_

_binnie: about him..._

_he's here_

_bangchan: talk to him_

_or i'll call him and tell him everything abt you_

_since you won't do it yourselffffff-_

_binnie: fine_

_i'll bring him along..._

_where do u wanna meet_

_bangchan: woojin's_

_like always_

_binnie: k_

_bangchan: it's late_

_get sum sleep_

_night-night binbin~_

_binnie: stop that..._

_good night chan_

 

changbin shut his phone, shaking his head and chuckling to himself. the elder was so corny sometimes, the younger always told chan he hated it. 

_he always lied._

he sat up from the toilet lid, going towards the door. he realized that felix had not spoken since the brunette's recent claim. he told felix he'd try, but he wasn't sure how he was going to do that. changbin was terrible at talking to anyone that was not his silver-haired friend.

even when he was the one being approached, he answered with one to two words. this caused the person to quickly lose interest in him. then they say they'll see him around sometime, and avoid his entire being.

changbin was terrible at making friends, which is why he was terrified of losing the one friend he had. he was scared out of his mind when he thought of all the things that could screw up their friendship, he had already screwed up one.

changbin shook his head to exit his thoughts. 

he opened the door, looking around for his roommate. he then looked down at the sleeping blonde and cursed himself for the way he felt when his eyes landed on felix's plump lips.

they looked so soft, could felix blame him for wanting to kiss him in his sleep. 

changbin resisted the urge to bend down and run his hands through the younger's wavy locks. 

the brunette turned his phone on, thin, white numbers that read 3 past twelve. he stared at his lock screen, a young, bright face smiling back at him. a single, cute dimple accompanied with braces that were made for the boy.

changbin wiped a tear from his cheek, throwing himself on the bed as he curled into a ball. a soft sob escaped his lips as hugged his knees to his chest.

_jeongin, i'm so sorry._

  »»————- ♔ ————-««  

_"changbin!" the younger called excitedly, smiling up at his hyung with joy._

_"jeongin," the elder shot a small smile._

_"changbin, please come over today! we can play video games, and it'll be fun! just like last time..." his voice trails off._

_"i'm sorry, but i can't," changbin's mood has suddenly darkened, he tries not to let his better judgment get in the way of what he wants. the demons that crawl beneath his skin, and find pleasure in his pain.  they won't let him enjoy the friends around him. they convince him that he doesn't need anyone, as long as he has his blade._

_whispering things in his head, telling him he won't be able to live without it. that the blood he takes from himself is what he needs to **survive.**_

_jeongin's smile falters, and he tries again._

_"c-come on binbin!" jeongin attempts at a cheerful tone. but the light in his eyes is dying, and he tries not to show that he's desperate. tries not to show that he needs changbin, and he's panicking._

_"it'll b-be fun. p-please, changbin." the younger's bottom lip wobbles slightly._

_"no," changbin deadpanned coldly, and jeongin quickly wipes that tear that escapes his right eye._

_"o-ok," the younger walks off quickly, and changbin watches his retreating figure with an uncaring gaze._

_changbin sat on his bed, his heart beating quickly at the extreme pain on his left arm. he had outdone it, a towel's worth of blood sitting beneath him._

_jeongin, he was thinking of jeongin._

_he was thinking of all the times he'd ever been to the younger's house._

_changbin was pretty sure there was something fishy about his mom. but he never questioned anything._

_maybe that was a mistake._

_changbin sat up abruptly, wincing at the torn skin that stretched when he moved. he went to the bathroom, rinsing away the dried blood, face scrunched at the pain._

_he was going to the younger's house, just like jeongin asked for._

_he walked a few blocks down the street, standing in front of jeongin's house. he walked up the steps, then knocked on the door._

_"brat!" he heard a hoarse, female voice shout before there was a loud crack._

_changbin's heart dropped in his chest and his eyes grew wide with horror. he banged harder on the door and the younger's cry could be heard from behind the thin wood._

_"stop!" changbin shrieked at the top of his lungs. "stop it!"_

_more crashes and cries were heard before changbin fumbled for his phone in a panicked manner._

_"hello?" the police on the end of the line said._

_"help, please. my friend he's being hurt and i don't know what to do. I-I-"_

_"sir, i'm going to need you to calm down. now can you tell me your location?"_

_" 9 jyp street!" changbin cries, continuing to beat at the door. hoping the strength would come to him in a surge of adrenaline._

_"please hurry." changbin sobbed, neighbors merely casting a glance before running away in urgency. because not a single person could stop and help break down the door. not a single person would be willing to stop and prevent a boy from being beaten to death._

_the police arrived minutes later, and it was almost too late. changbin watched them pull an unconscious jeongin out of the house. they loaded him into the ambulance, and if not for the hands holding him back, he would've rushed straight to the younger._

_"please, he's my friend! he has no other family! i don't want to leave him alone!" changbin begged, but they did not let him go._

_he called chan to ask the elder for a ride to the hospital._

_"it's all my fault," changbin muttered so that it was barely audible. the silence in the car made it loud enough for chan to hear._

_"not everything is your fault, binnie." chan sighed, repeating the same thing he said nearly every day._

_"but this is my fault." changbin cried out, burying his face in his hands. "he asked me to come over after school, and i told him no. i was cold, and i saw the panic in his eyes. i should've known something was up, i shouldn't have stayed home doing the same **stupid shit!** " changbin leaned back in his seat, loud sobs escaping his throat._

_chan tried not to let the younger see the tear that slipped down his cheek, quickly ridding of the evidence with his sleeve._

_"what are you saying?"_

_"n-nothing hyung." changbin got quieter, and he refused to look the silver-haired man in the eyes._

_changbin said nothing more as they reached the hospital._

_changbin wasn't sure how he got there, crying in chan's shoulder. he wasn't sure he heard the doctor correctly when she apologized._

_what was she sorry for?_

_"he was weak, he gave up just before we could stabilize him. i'm sorry."_

_changbin heard sobbing, that's all he could hear. it took him quite a while to realize that it was him, who was sobbing. he didn't dare look at the other visitors, who were probably shooting him looks of annoyance or pity._

_changbin cried like a parent that had lost their child. It broke his heart to think, that jeongin's parents wouldn't even care to cry for him. to them, jeongin was merely an inconvenience, an annoyance, a mistake that never should've been made._

_All this time, he was suffering, and i was too **blinded by my own problems to see that he was desperately asking for my help.**_

_**how could you-** _

_**fuck this up?** _

_was all that he could tell himself._

_"let's go binnie, you need to rest." chan's voice was hoarse, and even though he refused to let it show. changbin could see that he was **broken**._

_**i'm so sorry, jeongin.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowowow do you hate me?


	6. drowning.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> changbinnie..... he..... just...... bad things happen. also, felix is starting to feel things, and he isn't sure it's normal. AND MINHO WILL BE HERE FROM NOW ON WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LEE MINHO I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU (you would think minho is my bias lmao)

changbin woke up in an instant, gasping for air he didn't know he was lacking. a heavy sob escaped his lips before changbin could compose himself, and he had forgotten how to breathe all of a sudden. the sobs that escaped his throat got louder with every passing second and it felt like there wasn't enough room in his lungs for all the air he was swallowing. 

"changbin?" felix woke up soon after, a panicked look his face.

the brunette didn't answer him, hyperventilating and pulling at his hair while curled up in a ball on his bed. 

felix approached him slowly, placing a hand on changbin's shoulder, causing him to violently flinch away.

"don't touch me!" the elder screamed, getting up and running to the bathroom. the door slammed shut, leaving felix wide-eyed and in shock.

changbin's uncontrolled sobs were heard clearly through the thin wood of the bathroom door.

felix wasn't sure he'd ever dealt with a panic attack before, he wasn't even sure if it  _was_ a panic attack. he ran through the list of symptoms in his head, studying in psychology before moving to continue his studies in korea. 

changbin was visibly shaking and violently, and he was obviously hyperventilating at the rate he was breathing. tunnel vision was also a sign, but felix knew it was a bit too late to check for that. 

he rushed over to the door, hoping that changbin would've forgotten to lock it. 

but to no one's surprise, changbin almost never forgets to lock the bathroom door. except for that one time...

felix needed to stop thinking about all the things he found interesting about changbin. because right now, the boy he was somewhat drawn to, was having a panic attack in the bathroom.

_alone..._

"changbin please open the door," felix called desperately. but his pleads were always drowned out by changbin's loud crying.

they stayed like that for a while, felix begging and changbin not listening.

then chan knocked on the door, and a wave of relief washed over the blonde when he saw the man standing at their door. his eyes were blown as wide as felix's, and he rushed to the bathroom door as quick as felix did. 

"changbin, open the door." chan pleaded, but changbin only screamed at him to go away. 

"binnie, please." chan begged, struggling with the knob.

felix could only watch, and he wasn't sure why he felt the smallest twinge in his chest when he heard the nickname. 

he couldn't explain the way the unpleasant feeling increased when in time, changbin finally opened the door. he couldn't explain why exhaling seemed more painful than usual when the brunette ran into chan's arms.

he couldn't explain why he wanted to be the one holding changbin, not chan. he wanted to be the one calling him cute nicknames, not chan. he wanted to be the one that changbin would always come to, the one he could always confide in, not chan.

he wanted it all to be him.

felix started hating the things he felt as soon as he moved to korea.

 »»————-　♔　————-««

they were all silent, and every sip of coffee that felix took wasn't nearly as bitter as he felt. 

changbin had his eyes closed, and he was resting on the arm that chan had laid flat on the table.

"are you guys dating?" felix asked, knowing the brunette was asleep.

"n-no," chan smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of his head with his free hand.

"i'm sorry if we've made you feel like you're third wheeling. it's just that we've..." chan's voice trailed off, and he shot the sleeping boy a worried glance before continuing. 

"we've been through a lot." he finished, biting his bottom lip as he stared out the cafe windows. it was dark since changbin had woken up before the sun did. everyone needed to leave, the dark was not an obstacle for the events that had recently occurred. 

"no, it's okay. it's just that you guys seem so close." felix chuckled darkly, watching the brunette snooze peacefully on the elder's arm.

"you like him, don't you?" chan smirked, and felix met his eyes with shock.

a bright red spread through his cheeks and he shook his head. "n-no, why would you think that."

"well first, you're blushing," chan smiled at the way the younger attempted to cover his face with his hand, looking shyly away. "second, you stuttered. you're not a very good liar, are you?" 

"i-i-" felix didn't know what he could say. he couldn't deny his feelings, but he wasn't even sure if those feelings were serious. 

he was attracted to changbin, no doubt. he found the elder adorable and didn't know why jealousy grew in his gut when he saw the way he and chan acted around each other. 

yet he had never had an actual conversation with him, considering the boy's favorite hobby seemed to be locking himself in the bathroom when his roommate was present. it had only been a morning and night. if felix were to calculate the time they had been in each other's presence, it wouldn't even add up to half of a full twenty-four hours. 

"he likes you too," felix was a mess at this point.

"w-what?"

"or, in better words. he wants to get to know you, i think... he tends to have a hard time expressing how he feels, saying what he wants. if you didn't have me, it would probably be another half a year until you'd figure out changbin doesn't hate you." chan explained, running a hand through his hair.

"so-"

"for the most part, he wants to get to know you as much as you do."

"how do you know?"

"changbin is uncomfortable around strangers, sure. but strangers he's attracted to? i can tell by the way he acts, he's never texted me about anyone so many times. he most likely finds you attractive too, but i won't pry. love should be natural. if it's meant to be. it's meant to be," he smiled.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

those words rang in his head all day. dark spots hung under his eyes as he walked through campus with his friend from psychology, minho. 

"hey, are you alright?" minho asked, tenderly patting his friend on the back. "you look exhausted."

"i am," felix chuckled tiredly, shaking his head. "it was all for a good cause though," he smiled.

"if you say so," and feilx's mind wandered again.

_if it's meant to be, it's meant to be._

"minho, do you believe in soulmates?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> minhooooooooooooooooooooo i love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (i'm sorry felix, but minho's smile WRECKS ME)


	7. but,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *deep and heavy sighhhh*

_changbin-_

they sat in silence, both missing classes because they were too exhausted. both of them needed to talk, but only one was willing. chan's eyes were cast downward, and changbin stole an occasional glance at the silver hair that fell over the elder's face.

"tell me what's going on changbin." chan didn't look up.

the silence that followed was like a boulder on changbin's back, his shoulders caving in.

"talk to me, i've always been here for you. why won't you talk to me?" chan's voice croaked, and the younger felt a slight pang in his chest. but changbin still couldn't bring himself to say anything in response.

"give me your hand." chan's voice was suddenly hard, and the chanbgin snapped his head up to meet cold eyes.

"w-what?"

"i said, give me your hand."

"chan, what are you doing?" changbin's voice quivered as he watched the elder approach him in a brooding manner.

"give me your hand, changbin. don't make me repeat myself." chan hated the frightened look on the younger's face. but he was sick and tired of changbin hurting in secret, and not telling his best friend. 

chan tugged the younger forward by his sleeve, and changbin didn't protest. he tried to pull back the sleeve, but the brunette held on tight, resisting. after a hard enough pull, revealing angry red lines that were littered across his arm, accompanied with a few old ones.

chan's eyes watered and he let changbin's hand fall back into the younger's lap.

"a relapse, changbin," chan's voice shook, and the brunette had never seen him struggle to keep his composure. but this time he was breaking that wall he always put up, to keep his friend strong. the wall that hid all his emotions so that changbin would never have to feel more pain than he already did.

 it all crumbled to his feet

"why didn't you tell me?" chan's voice was barely above a whisper, and changbin let a silent tear of shame slip past his eyelid.

"i'm sorry."

"that's all you ever do, changbin. you apologize, again and again, but  _nothing_  ever changes!" chan voice was quivering violently, croaking with pain and confusion.

"i want you to get  _better_ , changbin! i care about you, i always have! so when things like this happen, instead of going to your blade,  _come to me!"_

chan was shouting now, and changbin wasn't shaking because he was scared. every word that escaped the elder's mouth caused a wave of shame and regret to wave through changbin as his body wracked with quiet sobs. 

"i was here first, not your blade! i was there for you when we drove to that hospital, changbin, not your blade!" chan paused, and he had finally let it all go, tears streaming down his face like a waterfall.

"i... i was there when jeongin died. i-i was there so you had someone to cry on, not... your  _stupid fucking blade._ " chan pulled at his hair and looked around slowly, as if the solution to all his problems was somewhere in the room.

"you know me. i  _know_  you know me. i will take every sharp thing in this house and confiscate it!"

and through his tears, changbin laughed a heart-shattering laugh. he couldn't speak a word, he just fell back onto his own bed and laughed, and he laughed, and laughed some more.

then he was crying, sobbing, louder than ever. 

"i'm so sorry." he cried, curling up into a ball, hugging his knees to his chest. he couldn't open his eyes, he didn't want to look at the person he kept finding a way to hurt.

"if i accept your apology, will you stop apologizing and from now on,  _let me help you?"_ chan couldn't look at the boy. they couldn't bare looking at each other, both in too much mental anguish.

chan saw the small nod of his head and that was all he needed. 

 

»»————-　♔　-————««

 

changbin found himself mindlessly wandering around campus once again. not really having a goal in mind, he just decided to sit, and he decided to draw.

he was majoring in art, and he never really liked doing it front of others. he always afraid of someone sneaking a peek at his sketchbook. as strange as it sounded, he hated when others would compliment his art. that is, unless it was his teacher.

it was because they didn't understand how little their comments meant. there were few art majors in the university, changbin could tell who was. most of the people who complimented him knew little to nothing what  _real art_  looked like. he had spent almost his entire life, marvelling at others' work, but never fully appreciating his own. 

he worked hard, practiced daily, and yet he could never seem to be good enough for himself. after an assignment had been finished, his teacher would walk around the class, giving everyone in the class a nod of approval. occasionally he would stop, push his bottom lip out in impressment, and then pass on. 

but no matter who it was, it was never changbin. 

no matter what he did, he never got that reaction. whether it was using different brushes, changing his stroke techniques, test out different color schemes. 

it was never enough.

he drew almost subconsciously now, copying every detail of the tree in front of him without nearly an ounce of effort. the occasional sharp angle of the branches that travelled out towards the sky like veins. the scratches of bark that decorated it's thick trunk, the roots that seeped into the ground, seeking life. the red and yellow leaves that were somehow captured with nothing but a granite pencil.

the person behind him merely watched in silent amazement. he was in fact so silent, changbin didn't know he was there.

then felix sneezed which caused changbin to jump. changbin jerked the pencil upward, creating a thick black line through what he only saw as a pathetic sketch.

once again, felix was a mess.

"i-i'm so sorry! i didn't mean to disturb you! it's just that you looked so peaceful a-and your skills are amazing, and... um-"

"save it," and the younger quieted in an instant. "it was just a sketch, it's nothing big." changbin droned emotionlessly, and felix couldn't help wanting to brighten up the boy's eyes.

"just a sketch? it would take me a half an hour to even  _attempt_ something like that." felix said, trying to prove a point. though he didn't understand that everything he said only went into changbin's ear and out the other. 

"well you haven't been practicing for years like i have, that's to be expected." changbin muttered, ripping out the sketch, about to crumple it up.

"wait!" the brunette's eyes widened and he was caught off guard by the way felix stopped him. he couldn't fight the heat that rose to his face and his shaky exhale. the heat of his breath slowly flew off like mist in the cold, crisp autumn air.

_felix was holding his hand..._


	8. that's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *sighhhhhh* i wish i had felix's mom

_felix-_

the warmth of his hands caused the younger to freeze. in little to no time, their eyes met, and felix's heart almost exploded in his chest when seeing the look on changbin's face.

the dark hair over his forehead in uneven lines, his lips were slightly parted and his eyes were wide and reflecting the dull light of the clouds above. his cheeks, they were the brightest shade of red, almost identical to the bright red leaves that flew away with the wind. 

felix couldn't look away, he had always known changbin was good looking. but changbin had never looked more beautiful, and felix swallowed deeply in his spacing out. he slowly removed his hand, placing it awkwardly in his lap before breaking eye contact and looking down.

"i..."

neither of them could speak a sentence, a word, felix barely choked out the first letter of what he wanted to ask.

"a-are you busy, this f-friday?" felix asked, nervously rubbing the back of his neck and avoiding eye contact before sneaking a quick glance at the brunette's expression.

"no..."

"do you wanna hang out? w-we could do anything you'd like." felix asked, and seeing the blank look on changbin's face made his stomach churn.

the brunette was silent, then he thought back to all the times he turned down an offer to accompany someone. 

_jeongin-_

"s-sure," and felix's smile was brighter than the sun, changbin was sure he put that gigantic star out of business.

"really?" felix's eyes shone, and instinctively, he nearly grabbed the elder's hand in a rush.

"s-sorry." he muttered, and they merely sat in silence.

"is this a date?" changbin's face instantly flared up, only to realize he had thought out loud. 

now felix was the one to flush, his eyes widening and butterflies coming to life in his stomach. 

"i-if you want it to be..."

changbin merely nodded, and felix smiled, cheeks tinted pink as cherry blossoms. 

"i'm glad, i'd like to get know you changbin. i hope you'll find me worthy of being in your presence?" felix said in an almost sarcastic tone, laughing with a sligth tilt of his head.

the brunette turned away and his blush never left. "me too."

 »»————- ♔ ————-««

it was friday, and felix was starting to wonder when he wasn't a mess over changbin. he was currently at his mother's, waiting to tell her the news. 

felix had never had an interest in anyone, and he hoped his mother would be happy for him when she found out his first crush is a guy.

he knocked on the door, blonde locks falling into his eyes as he looked at the doormat beneath his shoes.

the door opened slowly, and he was met with the warm embrace of the female that had cared for him since birth. 

"mom!" felix laughed, hugging the shorter female back as his eyes crinkled in content. 

"felix, i'm so happy you came to visit! come in, honey!" she ushered him into the house hurriedly. 

he walked in, looking around and admiring the cozy feel of the new house.

"how do you like it?" his mother said, gesturing to the decorations and furniture. 

"you did wonderfully, mom." felix smiled at the energy of his mother, who was speaking quickly with a smile on her face.

"so, do you have a reason for coming."

felix narrowed his eyes, followed by a small smile.

"i need a reason to visit my own mother?" the blonde's mother merely laughed, her dark brown locks covering a bit of her face.

"you know i'm only joking, sweetheart." the younger paused for a moment.

"actually..."

"felix!"

"mom! it's good news.... i think. i was planning to visit you anyway. this just happened to come up."

the older woman narrowed her eyes and looked her son up and down before gesturing for him to follow. she walked him to the kitchen and sat him down on the dining table before going to the fridge. felix merely watched in anticipation, and she turned around with two glasses of banana milk in her hand.

felix's smile was barely there before he looked up at the expression on his mother's face and threw his head back in laughter. 

she wiggled her eyebrows as if she were carrying two alcoholic drinks, before setting them down on the table. each one landed with a small clink against the table, followed by the sound of glass rubbing against wood as she slid a bottle to her son. 

"so..." she said, taking a swig of her milk, before pointing to her son.

"what is it you came to tell me?"

felix thought he was nervous before, but the feeling of moths flying around in his stomach laid eggs and multiplied tenfold. they were nothing like the butterflies changbin gave him. 

although he wanted changbin's acceptance, and the thought of getting anything but that made his heart drop, it was different with his mother. he had known the woman for as long as he could remember, she had always loved and accepted him. 

but sometimes, things like these erase all the love a parent has ever had for their child. the blonde refused to believe that his mother was anything like those parents. but there was always that fear, taunting him whenever it crept into his thoughts.

his mother had loved him all his life, and he loved her. what if one sentence changed all that in less than a minute.

felix was sure that he had never feared anything more.

"i have a date."

"honey! that's gr-"

he put a hand up, indicating he wasn't finished.

"and... i-it's a guy."

there was nothing but silence for a long while, and felix didn't dare look up at his mother's face. for he was absolutely petrified of what he'd see.

suddenly, the absence of words felt like a pile of bricks on his chest, and he felt a tear slowly slip down his cheek.

"felix-"

"i'm sorry!" the blonde sobbed, his shoulders caving in as he let out quiet cries, not loud enough to be sobs. suddenly his eyes widened in shock when he felt a warm embrace and the familiar scent of his mom.

"felix, you have nothing to be sorry for..."

"i'm sorry if i disappointed you, mom!"

the elder put a finger under his chin and tilted his head up, feeling her heart break at the tears that flowed down his soft face.

"felix, you've done nothing wrong, sweetheart."

"r-really?" the teary-eyed male looked up, his cheeks squished in his mother's hand, a vulnerable look on his face. the brunette had to resist from cooing at her son's cuteness. 

"love, you're the best son i could've asked for, who you're attracted to won't change how much i love you."

felix only cried harder, hugging her back with all he had.

he was grateful, having a mother like her. 

_so grateful._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had writer's block for a looooooong time. so if the beginning(or the entire chapter) is a bit choppy, i apologize. i will work harder next chapter. 
> 
> also, i based felix's mom off of what i wish my mom was like *laughs bitterly* 
> 
> but anywho, i hope you liked this chapter!
> 
> (don't forget, your comments meant the world to me) XD


	9. why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some woochan heheh

_changbin-_

changbin had made it a tradition to call chan when he was freaking out.

though he wasn't used to having someone who wasn't changbin answer the phone.

"hello?" a groggy voice answered, and changbin's eyes widened in shock.

"ch-chan?"

"who is this, why are you calling channie?"

the brunette freaked out internally as the voice that was not at all familiar.

"w-what?"

"woojin~ who are you talking to?" a quiet voice in the background croaked, and the ruffling of sheets were heard.

"wh-? woojin!" chan's voice was heard loud and clear and a few grunts were heard before chan spoke clearly.

"changbin?"

"are you... sleeping with someone?

chan said nothing and the younger could almost imagine the way chan's adam's apple bobbed nervously.

"yes?"

"chan... that's fucking gross. i get you're at that age, but keep your phone on silent next time you're getting silly." changbin scolded, and chan's eyes widened in shock at the tone of the younger. he slowly let the phone fall to his cheek, pondering in silence.

_did changbin just scold him?_

"changbin, you're misunderstanding, i-"

"save it, call me back when you're done with your man." the younger swore he didn't mean to snap, but he did, and that was that.

"i-" chan was then interrupted by the beeping of changbin hanging up on him.

»»————-　♔　————-««

it was the day of the date, and changbin had just realized he had no idea what to wear.

_should it be casual, or a little fancy, but not too over-the-top?_

changbin had never found himself caring about such trivial things before, and all it took was a blonde boy with a nice face.

the brunette wondered if he was making a mistake.

ever since the incident with jeongin, he promised himself he wouldn't get close to anyone. yet, there he was, standing in front of his mirror, hoping to get close to the boy with the deep voice that sent chills through the younger's soul.

he plopped down on his bed, staring at his ceiling. he tended to do that a lot, lay back and stare at the blankness of the surface above. he found it somewhat calming because, in a way, the ceiling was calm. there was nothing going on, no patterns, no bright or dark colors. a gentle, soft beige that was almost so calm it was boring. changbin found himself staring too often for too long.

suddenly, his phone buzzed beside him, and he rolled over slowly to read the korean characters of  _bang chan_  on his screen.

he swiped towards the green logo and put the speaker to his ear.

"hey."

"hey," changbin felt slightly uncomfortable after the earlier event, and he didn't exactly know why he reacted the way he did. he kind of just did, it was almost instinctive.

"so why'd you call?" chan ruffled his newly dyed locks as he rummaged around his house for keys.

"i have a date." the elder's motherly instinct had activated right then, and suddenly the searching of his keys was done in a more desperate manner.

"what?! when?! with who?" chan could barely hold himself together, veins pulsing with excitement.

"f-felix," the younger's cheeks started to heat up as he said the name quietly, and he could hear the small explosion on the other end of the line

"oh my god! really?" chan finally found his keys and was suddenly rushing out the door of his apartment. 

changbin was dumbfounded at how chan got to his dorm in 10 minutes flat. considering his apartment was a good 20 minutes away by car.

chan viciously rapped on the door, causing changbin to flinch and stare at the door in horror. 

_is this a horror movie?_

changbin opened the door to a panting and flushed boy, his hair no longer silver and now a dark, normal black. 

"you're here."

"y-yes"

"how?"

chan laughed breathlessly, falling forward into changbin's chest. 

"hyung, are you drunk?"

there was a long, dreamy sigh before chan replied, "drunk in love."

that's when changbin let him go. chan fell to the floor with a thump, his hands breaking the fall. the elder merely rolled onto his back, with his hand draped over his chest and a dopey smile on his face. 

"is it about the dude you were getting jiggy with this morning?" chan asked bluntly, refusing to show he was somewhat amused by the soft, baby pink that dusted his cheeks.

"we didn't do any illicit actions, changbin." chan said, turning away from the younger's gaze.

"mhm, is that so?" it sounded more like a judgment than a question.

"it is so, we just happened to fall asleep in the same bed. he called me because he was feeling sad, and i comforted him. he wanted to cuddle, and we did, and that's that." chan said finally, a very "point, blank, period" tone to his voice. 

"but let's not talk about me and woojin...  _my baby is going on his first date i'm so proud, holy shit!"_ chan screeched in joy, obviously no longer out of breath and leaping off the ground to trap changbin in a deadly hug.

"yeh..."

 _"and with felix omg!"_ chan continued to squeal like a k-pop fan watching their idols do anything at all.

"right..."

chan's grip loosened and he took a few steps back to observe changbin.

"you don't seem too happy." chan pointed out, a small frown gracing his features.

"i'm happy, i really am. it's just that i've never gone on a date before. i've never really liked someone the way i like felix, and i'm afraid i'll mess everything up."

"binnie..." chan cooed, pinching the younger's cheeks in a teasing manner. 

"felix asked you out for a reason, there's no way you could do anything to fuck it up. unless you completely trash his pride and dignity and tell him that he'll never be good enough for you."

changbin cringed, slowly narrowing his eyes at the elder. "ok first off, lay off the dramas. second of all, why would i say that if i accepted to go on a date with him?"

"you see?" chan hummed with a face of satisfaction and pride. "therefore, there's no other way for you to mess anything up."

"i guess..." changbin's voice trailed off as he felt his phone buzz continuously in his back pocket.

_felix was calling him._


	10. we

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lmao i've been so inactive lately im sorry v.v but i swear ill make it up to y'all >v>

_felix-_

it was time, and felix, taking the advice of his mother, had gotten to the movie theaters early. 

yes, they decided on the movie theaters. a basic activity that the both of them could handle, eating popcorn in reclinable chairs while they watched the dumb story of two people falling love. 

felix knew it was almost cliche how things were going, but he didn't care because it was changbin. the two of them could be characters in a romantic tragedy, and felix wouldn't care because he had the feeling they'd die together. 

he had a rose in his hand, a casual outfit on, but not the piggish casual that's only present at home. blue jeans, panic at the disco shirt, platinum-dyed hair falling over one eye. 

felix was nervous, so nervous.

it was only the boy of his dreams, he was going on a date with. it was only the super adorable, shy yet seemingly fierce boy that always found a way to put butterflies in his stomach.

"felix!" a familiar voice shouted, and everything played out in slow motion. changbin jogged towards felix, trying to hide the excitement that was evident on his face. 

 _has he always been this pretty? his smooth skin and his perfect lips and... felix could've swore he wasn't glowing yesterday._  
  
"felix," he called, and that's when he realized he liked the sound of his name in changbin's mouth a little more than he should.

everything began to speed up again as the elder approached him with a shy yet happy expression on his face.

"hi," felix smiled, nervous and elated and lovestruck all shot at changbin in one gaze.

_love? there was no way._

but felix saw the way the brunette's eyes crinkled and the way his lips formed into that smile that felix never wanted to stop seeing and...

_love was the only word that came close to his feelings. like simply didn't cut it._

»»————-　♔　————-««

"soulmates?" minho pushed his circle-framed glasses back up on the bridge of his nose and his nose twitched slightly. he looked around as if checking for unwanted ears before pulling the younger away.

"minho?" felix questioned, slightly panicked by his friend's response to the question.

the elder didn't respond until they reached the nearest boy's bathroom. minho dragged the boy in, shoving him in a stall before shutting the both of them in. the close proximity was extremely uncomfortable, considering felix had always known minho was attractive, and gay. but he had never seen in that way, even though they were sharing the same breath at that point. 

"minho, what-" the blonde was interrupted by minho's finger shushing him, pressed firmly against his lips.

"i've been doing research lately." although the elder was into music production like felix, he had a way with computers in other ways than putting some beats and a melody together. 

"why have you asked me this?" 

felix silently waited for his friend to remove the finger from his lips. minho, getting the point, removed his finger and let the younger speak. 

"i've been getting random cuts recently. and, my roommate, changbin, we're going out tomorrow-"

"yes, yes but tell me how all of this relates to soulmates. do you think  _he's_  your soulmate or something?" minho pushed his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose and sniffed out of habit.

"i mean, it's possible? changbin was in the bathroom and he was on the phone with chan, a small cut showed up on my finger out of nowhere. then i clearly remember changbin hiss before telling chan he only had a small cut."

minho nodded, running a hand through his hair while comprehending the information given to him. "that is a very strange coincidence. but back to my research, have you ever noticed that no matter what you search, if it involves soulmates, it's all blocked? all we know about soulmates is what we've been taught, but no one can do their own research anywhere." felix nodded as the boy continued to passionately speak of his theory, using extreme hand gestures with a hushed tone. 

"i found a way to hack into one of the websites, something the government has obviously forgotten to secure properly. i found an article on various cases of people out there, who  _still_ have injuries only possible through a soulmate. all the cases were recent, but the reason you never hear about them, is because they don't  _want_ you to. the government doesn't want people to find out that their anti-soulmate vaccine is starting to wear. it's becoming more and more recent and sooner or later the truth will be out there."

minho was nearly out breath when he sighed the last sentence.

"soulmates are unpreventable, and the government doesn't like it one bit."

felix tried to wrap his head around all the information he'd just received.

»»————-　♔　————-««

"you look great." felix chuckled with a goofy grin on his face, holding the rose close to his heart.

"i'm j-just wearing a hoodie and sweatpants," the boy shrugged, a pink tint to his cheeks. "it's n-nothing fancy."

"you still look great-"

"use protection kids!" a voice shouted and both turned to see chan wave at them from his car, a mischievous smile on his face.

"ch-chan!" the shorter male shouted in embarrassment, the blush on his face slowly deepening.  

 the  drove away and felix swore he heard music playing-

"ladadadada, it's the one and only D-O double G-" felix mentally facepalmed. 

when he looked back down at the blushing male, who was drowned in his oversized hood and sweater paws at his sides, felix couldn't help but think.

_he's so damn cute._

he tended to have these kinds of thoughts a lot lately.

The couple walked into the theaters ignoring the way everyone else stared at them. Felix was oblivious to the shocked whispers and gasps.

They were both entirely oblivious to the glowing images hovering above their heads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a bit short don kill me, but i swear once im not caught up in all kinds of stuff, i will write away and try to make satisfactory content XD


	11. (not an update sry)

um, this isn't an update... sorry...

i've been through a lotta shit lately.

 

my (ex) best friend broke things off between us after ignoring my texts and calls for a week straight (two days after my 15th bday AHAHA). but um i'm not so mad about that anymore. I just finished mid-year exams and omg i bet i failed them all.

i mean a lot of shit has just been occupying my mind and i kinda forgot this fic existed for a while. This is the second longest writers block i've ever had.

im sooooo sorry, i will try to continue working on the next chapter, which is gonna take longer than before cuz i deactivated my old wattpad acc after me and my (ex) friend fell out. annnnnnd all my saved work was on that acc ehehehe

but ty to those who checked up on me and supported me. 

 

i mean holy shit 100+ kudos??? i feel famous T-T tysm.

 

ily all <3

 

also if i break my promise and forget to keep working on the fic you can nag me on my twt: [@alldastuffies](https://twitter.com/alldastuffies)

baiiii !!

 

 


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